INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

An elementary classroom, with a large chalkboard, teacher’s desk, American flag and Ransom with family representative and perfect hero, Jeffery Drake. There’s a diagram of an empty man on the chalkboard, with the title, “The Anatomy of Matthew Attict”. Drake sits on the corner of the desk with a large pointer.

Jeffery Drake: Part of my contract agreement with the CWA involves not only showing off my rare talents in the ring, or mouthing off over the airwaves – I will be helping educate those with a few spontaneously placed public service announcements. These PSAs are necessary for those that don’t go back as far as me and my manager here, to understand what I’m REALLY saying when I’m saying it.

Ransom: That’s right.

Jeffery Drake: You’re right, that’s right.

Ransom: Right on.

Jeffery Drake: Today we over up something tasty and topical – or neither – that’s up for you to decide. “The Anatomy of Matthew Attict” will be a brief dissection on just what makes up a pompous, steroid-shooting, junkie such as Mr. Attict.

Drake jumps off his seat from the corner of the desk and picks up a piece of chalk.  He quickly scratches out something on the board.  He steps back, turns toward the camera and points at Attict’s brain on the chalkboard.

Jeffery Drake:  Matthew Attict grow up in small suburban town just outside of Boise, Idaho.  He woke each morning hoping for the good news – that his mother would allow him to take a ride into town to look at the televisions in Sears.  While this good news was rare, he occasionally was allow to board his vehicle and best friend - the family donkey, or Eskridge as they liked to call him – and stroll into town. 

Ransom:  Lucky kid.

Jeffery Drake:  Lucky indeed – it was there in the Sears where Attict was allowed to use his first indoor bathroom, marvel at the wonders of the blender and microwave – and where he first began his obsession with the original “Incredible Hulk”.  Seeing the greatest actor in this history of industry, Lou Ferrigno, destroy cards, battle mobsters and throw around poor defenseless women reminded Attict of his father – who one day left for smokes and never came back.

Ransom:  Wish my kid looked up to me like that.

Jeffery Drake:  And while Lou Ferrigno’s skin turned a certain shade of green when exposed to excessive stress – young Matthew looked to step out of the patriarchal shadow.  Thus begin his obsession with Guild Trip.  Boo-Liscious Triple Bronzer.  Wild Cherry Hot.  Cool Beans Moisturizer.  Sexy Kitten.  Mocha Roca.  Body Drench Hot Lava.  Sunslik.  Melon Frappe.  Supre Vibe.  Venus Tingle.  Crème Bruless.  Ginger Spice, steps 1 and 2.  XX Double Lincendie.  Tanzanite.  Glammin’ Dual Bronzer.  Orange Crust Hot Formula.  Glimra.

Ransom:  I think that’s enough.

Jeffery Drake:  Maybe, but I want to impress on the youths out there – he became a junkie – a salon junkie.  Idaho isn’t known for much outside its potatoes, and certainly not its beaches.  Matthew had to find his solace in a bottle of tanning lotion.  The orange haze you see radiating around his body today – a direct result of his abuse.

Ransom:  It’s an addiction folks.  Please stop pointing and laughing when you see him in public.

Jeffery Drake:  The addictions didn’t stop there though.  As our story gets more and more tragic - one day, an enraged Matthew Attict, got off their family donkey and started yelling at the fine Sears employees.  Upset over the cancellation of the Incredible Hulk, Matthew blamed the staff – not understanding how anything in Hollywood works.   They pointed him towards a new branch of the mall that was just being involved that day after being under construction for almost a year.  And cutting the ribbon, Chachi himself – Scott Baio.  Matthew looked on at the future Charles in Charge and marveled at his bottle tan.

Ransom:  Who wouldn’t?

Jeffery Drake:  Exactly.  And as Matthew strolled up in the line as Scott Baio signed autographs for the fine folks of Boise – he noticed something.  Baio had two tickets to the gun show – and wasn’t afraid to display them in public.  Matthew looked down at his own arms and remembered how the kids at school called him “Noodles” and “Rigatoni”.  Matthew ran from the line seconds before meeting Chachi and sold the family donkey to a shady man in the alleyway behind the Sears.  These would be Matthew’s first official steroids – he needed to bulk up, or Hulk up as it were, quickly.  He must impress Baio before he came back to Idaho again – and who knew how soon that would be.

Ransom:  I often visit Idaho two or three times a century.

Jeffery Drake:  After being shunned from his home for selling the family “car”, Attict lived in seclusion for many years.  Trading all the money he picked up along the way doing odd jobs, for steroids, tanning lotion, ten-minute platinum body spray and books.  Believe it or not, Matthew is a reader.  He has to steal his content from somewhere other than me. 

Ransom:  Everyone should take note of that one.

Jeffery Drake:  One day Matthew fell down a flight of stairs and wound up in a wrestling ring.  His opponent was the equivalent of Don Flamingo and believe it or not, Matthew Attict wound up victorious after telling the story of his Baio obsession to a non-Happy Days friendly audience who granted him a victory out of pity.  This streak continued until Attict was almost considered a contender – and got a shot at the most decorated champion in the business.

Drake turns toward the camera for a second.

Jeffery Drake:  Hi.

Back to the chalkboard with the pointer.

Jeffery Drake:  And while I’m a compassionate individual and took it easy on Attict in the five minutes I decimated him in – I did inflict some pain as you can see here on the diagram.

Jeffery Drake:  And while I’m a compassionate individual and took it easy on Attict in the five minutes I decimated him in – I did inflict some pain as you can see here on the diagram.

Ransom:  Not pretty.  I hear Attict had to surgically replace parts of his shoulder after that arm-bar. 

Jeffery Drake:  And to his credit – the half-robotic, steroid fueled, UV emitting Matthew Attict kept at his career – with little to no success.  Until one day when Attict felt ashamed of lying to everyone about his Miami Beach heritage and returned home to Boise.  His mother long gone to the world of bestiality, Attict did the one thing that came naturally to him, watched television at the local Sears.  And with that came an episode of Arrested Development, unfortunately cancelled in its prime, much like Flesh.  Scott Baio, playing Bob Loblaw, forced Matthew to come to a startling revelation.  He’d never been with a woman.  He spent his whole life pining after Chachi, he never considered Joanie.    If he could take his mother away from her antics at the pet cemetery in ‘Frisco – would he have to tell her that her only child that sold their family donkey for placebos that went straight to his head – that he was gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that)?  Would she finally take notice?

Ransom:  I’m on the edge of my seat – did he ever tell his mother?

Jeffery Drake:  No, tragically she ran off with a Canadian Grizzly and was skewered in Manitoba shortly before hibernation season. 

Ransom:  Whoa.  How did he recover from that?

Jeffery Drake:  Actually, I guess I’ll apologize to him here, he didn’t know about that until right now.  My bad.

Ransom:  You’re horrible with secrets.

Jeffery Drake:  Yeah, I know.

Jeffery shrugs in Ransom’s general direction.

Jeffery Drake:  Still – with questions of his own sexuality in doubt – Matthew Attict became distraught.  Often showing up in random federations, calling out Jeffery Drake, whether he existed there or not, and then slumping back down into seclusion.  He became edgy, he scared young children with his glow – and after awhile he had no choice but to do the one thing he could to preserve his way of life.

Ransom:  And what’s that?

Jeffery Drake:  He rented what was left of his distraught body out to Tommy Riley.  Always the technician despite only know about five wrestling moves, Riley enjoyed some of the new muscle mass – but also continued his losing streak – currently five straight years and counting.

Ransom:  You keep that dream alive Riley – we’re rooting for you!

Jeffery turns back toward the camera.

Jeffery Drake:  And there you have it.  This is what makes Matthew Attict tick.  His history, his lies – his painful obsession for skin the same color as a navel orange.  This Idaho native may try to full you out there, the kids, our peers – but don’t by in.  Steroids are bad.  Old episodes of The Incredible Hulk can be bought on DVD.  Boo-licious Triple Bronzer should be used by pale teenage girls.  Scott Baio is not one to be messed with.  And most of all, smoke and mirrors can only confuse the dumbest of individuals for only a short while.  Even to the Kevin Merrixs of the world.

Ransom:  You know Jeff? I think we did some good today.

Jeffery Drake:  I think you’re right there – I think we did some good today as well.