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INT. DRAKE FAMILY RESIDENCE – MANHATTAN BEACH, CA – DAY A large staircase in the Drake’s home, Ransom and Jeffery stand at the top, the camera shoots them from a couple tiers below. The wall of the staircase is adorned by large posters and photographs from previous Charm valued cards, the Fall From Graces, the Liberty Wrestling Federation, other assorted things you probably chose to forget years ago. Science knows I did. Ransom perks up after being given the cue that they’re rolling. - Okay, we’ve been here in the CWA for a short time now, worked off some of that entertainment debt - you’ve given your share of interviews to the masses, can we finally do the one thing I’ve looked forward too since being suckered into this position by Twilight? Drake nods. Ransom nearly bounces off the staircase, enough action to almost throw his hip out of its socket. Drake doesn’t look amused. Ransom doesn’t care, he pulls a clip on red and white bow tie from his pocket and overdoes his smile to Wink Martindale-like proportions. - You ready out there in TV land? It’s that time for that great sensation of a game show – WWJDD! What would Jeffery Drake do? The show where you at home can play along with the great Jeffery Drake and see what you would do in any number of zany and outrageous situations! Jeffery Drake: You really need to take it down a bit. - Not damn likely! I’ve been saving my game show host voice since the final Liberty card! You all know how the game is played, and if you don’t listen up and follow along – why don’t we get started? Are you ready Jeffery? Jeffery Drake: Sure, whatever. - Then let’s begin! Jeffery takes a seat at the top of the stairs while Ransom plays to the camera. - Say you’re a new fresh face. Say you’re A.C. Slater your first day at Bayside. Say you walk into a new federation – what should be your first step as an introduction? A.) Announce yourself to the world via the camera. Run down your goals. Detail your reasons for being there. Ruffle a few feathers, annoy a couple veterans. B.) Spend six thousand dollars on an overdone, drawn-out entrance at an under-watched card in order to intimidate underappreciated wrestlers. C.) Try to tell a story about how your ex-boy or girl friend turned on you and left you is such a state of misery that you have no choice but to exact your revenge through the only means you know - professional wrestling. - So? What would Jeffery Drake do? Drake does not look amused by the over-acting. Jeffery Drake: Well, my gut tells me option A, because that’s how I walked into this association – but my brains tell me answer D - do something that makes people take notice of you – turn heads, stir pots – and give people a reason to care. My name being Jeffery Drake does that on its own. But if my name wasn’t Jeffery Drake – say something tackier – say it was Ryan Ford – I’d have to this. I would have had to do this quicker than normal, I would have had to impress people the second my PR staff leaked that I was a new part of the CWA. Shame is that in reality – Ryan Ford hasn’t done us the courtesy of giving us the slightest example that she could turn heads – stir pots – or compose a basic human sentence. Sitting on your ass waiting to react to others is only fine up to the point where you know you’re better than your opponent. I pray to God that Ford isn’t thinking that. I mean, seriously – you think she would have at least made a phone call or something to someone in this federation before she assumed something like that against Jeffery Drake. Ransom momentarily drops the game show host persona. - A simple A, B or C response is all I need you know. Jeffery Drake: And all I need is to get some sleep and not do an unfunny sketch that makes you act like a thirteen year old girl at a slumber party. - Touché. Ransom revs up his shtick again. - Back to the game! Let’s pick up where you left off – the newcomer facing you in double debut match a week and half or so from now. Say you’re a hundred and thirty-five pounds soaking wet. Say you’re way under six feet tall. Say you don’t know the difference between a brawler and a flyer. Say you’re Ryan Ford. When it comes to your first match against the most decorated champion you’ve ever met, you should… A.) Plead with the executive board to reconsider starting your career off in the CWA with such an embarrassing loss. You understand that there’s no way you can compete against a guy who’s twice your size and STILL faster than you. B.) Plead with Jeffery Drake to become your tag partner instead of your opponent. Understand what its like to be put under the wing of a legend instead of being put under a chicken wing and waking up in the I.C.U. C.) Plead with God to somehow create another east coast blackout to shut down all of Rochester and have your punishment delayed a little bit. - Well, what would Jeffery Drake do? Jeffery Drake: I’d have to go with D again. Tap. - Tap? Jeffery Drake: Yeah, tap. Tap out. Early. Right now. Let me enjoy a full week of the Thanksgiving holiday instead of abbreviated one. Come on camera Ford, tap the lens, I’ll get the main idea and we’ll go ahead and get a referee to sanction the whole thing. I was hoping to hit Italy, it’d really make my trip that much easier. Ransom adjusts his bow tie and flips through his cards. Jeffery Drake: Those observation skills can get you a fine Master of Fine Arts degree in my favorite Des Moines, Iowa school of higher education. - I’ll take that under consideration. Thank you. For the purpose of posterity – how about we jump to the lightning round!?! You ready for this – quick back and forth action – I’ll name a situation – you tell me what Jeffery Drake would do in it! Ready? Jeffery Drake: As much as I’ll ever be. - You claim to be a champion from another fed, but no one believes you because you’re scrawny and have no charisma. Jeffery Drake: Give up and accept myself for who I am, someone who fell into some luck once and let it go to my head. - You live in Manhattan. Jeffery Drake: I do live in Manhattan. - Not Manhattan Beach, Manhattan – New York City. Jeffery Drake: Oh, then I would shoot myself in the face. - Number three, you claim to be an addiction when you look like a crack addict after a full night at Hyde. Jeffery Drake: Shoot myself in the face. - Elsewhere, you let people assume your match at a Farewell to Arms is the match that will put the final nail in the coffin of the AOWF. Jeffery Drake: I would step back and realize that neither Collins nor Ridel shares the name of Twilight or Drake and has no business to mention the AOWF and its end without letting one of us give their insight in a proper forum. - Even more elsewhere, you let yourself fall victim to a kidnapping after switching families and confusing everyone out there why you called your baseball bat a “Hurt Styx”. Jeffery Drake: I would take my sunglasses off, look in the mirror, and try to think of a way to explain to Jeffery Drake why I would EVER consider looking to any other family but the Charms for help and support. - And finally, if you were named Flesh. Jeffery Drake: I’d still be dead. - Another tremendous round! Thanks so much for playing “What Would Jeffery Drake Do”!!! Ransom’s pearly white shimmer on camera, as he waits for a fade out. He doesn’t get one and retires back to his old man daily routine. Ransom looks up towards Jeffery still seated on the top step. Drake nods to Ransom and motions for the shot to be pulled in tighter. Jeffery Drake: Ford, I know some of the things said here probably floated over your head, you probably don’t recognize many of the names, and you surely don’t appreciate my history. And I know you probably aren’t as stupid as you look. But wake up for a second and take something to heart before you utter your first words here in the CWA. My name is Jeffery Drake. My presence here put the entire roster on tilt before my first cocky grin. I’m the most decorated man you will ever see. I’m your perfect hero. I’m the beginning of forever. I’m every catchphrase you can pull out of your ass. Being a hundred thirty-five pounds, hardcore and looking like a skank – won’t get you anywhere in a federation I occupy. I’m a professional. I’m undefeated in more ways than one over the last decade. Do yourself a favor and find a way out of this match now, or I’ll break you in under five minutes. I’m not kidding. Find a way out, I don’t like being fed chum unless its named Kyle Malone. He makes a motion to cut the camera feed. Jeffery Drake: Remember, make your words count. I’ll be looking forward to them. Out.
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