INT. Drake Family Kitchen – Manhattan Beach, CA – Day

Ransom stands in front of a large kitchen counter, just like your favorite Food Network personality.  Which better be Alton Brown, and to a lesser extent Rachel Ray – but certainly not Bobby Flay or you need to do all of us a favor and unlock the safety right now.  He has a white apron and oversized hat.  Jeffery Drake sits on a counter behind him, he too with an apron.

On the counter before Ransom are some empty bowls, a couple eggs, various utensils and tools, a dictionary and matching thesaurus, a calculator, a recorder, a stack of papers, a flux capacitor and a bowl of fruits and vegetables.   Ransom rolls up his sleeve and forces a large smile on his face.

- Hey out there in television land – how you doing this fine day?  We’re here in the Drake family kitchen ready to bring you a message of hope and hospitality.  It has been brought to our attention that in our previous announcements that we’ve been reaching out to the fans, the legal entities, the executive board – and that we’ve been missing out on one key demographics that groups up together and watches this little sketches – our peers.

Drake rolls his eyes and jumps down from his seat on the counter.  He grabs a couple eggs and breaks them into a bowl.  Ransom continues.

- We apologize for that – we were sure you guys could care less but what we had to say and what we had planned for your little federation.  Heck, you will all claim to not care anyways – but here we are stuck in this nasty, unforgiving place named ‘reality’ – and you have no choice but to care, cause as blind and stupid as some of you are – you can still recognize talent.  Our representative has it, check his title history, and remember the reason who only held particular belts once – is because he held onto them for years at a time. 

Ransom shuffles through some of the papers and pulls one out.  Drake throws some beaten eggs onto a frying pan, adds some salt and pepper, and puts the pan on the stove.

- And speaking of doing nothing but talk about the past.  Where do you guys get off?  Seriously.  The past is brought up because you, our ‘peers’, are the people that are upset with that.  So you lost to one of our intellectual properties?  So you were probably embarrassed?  So, so, so what?  Get over it.  Talk about the past, but keep it civil and remember where you stood when it went down and how far you how to crane your neck upwards to the heavens to see us.  Don’t become obsessed – we’ll get to that multiple times later.

He tosses the sheet he was reading from to the ground and pulls out another one.  Drake pokes at the frying eggs with a spatula. 

- Thanks to our family’s crack interning staff, we have compiled some transcripts of recent video airwave activities from some other ‘wrestlers’.  And thank the Lord they wrestle, because they sure couldn’t get through life as a public speaker.  A man named, ‘Vicious’ chimes in with the following phrases, which have all been highlighted on this paper for me. 

Ransom pulls out some reading glasses while Drake scrapes the bottom of the pan in order to produce his scrambled eggs.

- And I quote, “full circle… swan dive… beach blond highlights… AOWF legend… expletive Charm…” Five phrases, ZERO name-drops.  A leader of ambiguity among a sea of wrestlers that just doesn’t understand.  These five phrases in some circles would constitute enough phonically parallels to be considered infringement.  And sadly in these trying times, our family has to be economically conscious.  We’ve contacted the necessary executive board member, and at small fee of twenty-five dollars per phrase, your next appearance fee at a CWA event will be short one hundred and twenty-five dollars. 

Drake slides the eggs off onto a plate.

- We’re sure you had good intentions.  We’re sure you may think that this small amount of money is no big deal – or that giving it up isn’t fair – but none the less we feel like its justified.  No, we won’t be combing through every word someone states to make a quick buck or two – or those that ripped off the term Exit Music because of a complete lack of any sort of originality would owe us huge – Mr. Vicious – we just wanted to make a small example of you.  We like you, we want you to notice us for whom we really are.  We IMPLORE you to throw down your dictionary, your thesaurus-

Ransom knocks his own dictionary and thesaurus off the counter to the ground.

- And remember who you’re talking to.  Outside of the people on this side of the counter, you’ll only find those that are lying about their college degree.  We have been dumbing ourselves down for years in order to just communicate with some of these ‘peers’.  You want Iron Hank Serbia or whatever to understand the logic you’re spinning?  Speak in his terms, relate yourself to him on a more human person-to-person level.  Leave all the intellectual high-browing to those that can back it up.

Drake with a head tilt.

- But don’t take our words as anything derogatory.  Get your hands off that shift-f7 hot key you use to prep your interviews before you come on air and listen to the proposition we have for you.  An olive branch to an irate individual.  We’re giving you an opportunity to up your street cred with the folks you disassociate yourself with.  You can tag with Jeffery Drake.  The number one name in this organization, just less that a week of showing up.  Team with Jeffery Drake.  Think of the press.  Think of all the easy opportunities you’ll have to stab him in the back.  Both figuratively and literally.  Stir the pot with us.

Drake sighs in irritation as he stirs cream in a bowl next to Ransom.

- Sorry.

Ransom throws that sheet of paper to the ground and picks out another one.  He holds it close to his face and seems to be straining to read the text.

- Kyle Malone jumps in with some comments.  At least I think so; the printer must have had a problem with this document.  This document reads that he said, “Don’t give us endless monologues about how great you are…” Well that can’t be right, printer really must be screwed up because that’s all you did in your interview.  In fact that’s all people do in every interview, at least those that are fun to watch.  It says he doesn’t want to remember the past but does nothing but talk about the WCIWA and “Burn”.  That can’t be right – I was in the WCIWA you know – that’s ancient history – must have been the printer.  He claims he “just [doesn’t] care” about us, but is backing his entire wrestling career on one small opportunity to wrestle us.  He’s demanding that we do more in the ring than just talk on the air – but we’ve only been here five days – FIVE DAYS – and there hasn’t even been a card yet.  He urges us to “innovate” – when every word he says makes him look more and more like Shawn Twilight circa the 20th century.  He brags that “he’s a part of history” but insinuates that you should forget all of it.  This has to be a misprint.  You call yourself the Future – and you make our family look more and more progressive with every word while you’re stuck with Marty McFly in 1985 trying to light the town hall on fire on a Universal back lot.

Ransom shuffles the pages in his hand.  Drake puts his bowl down and edges slightly toward the camera.

Jeffery Drake:  Here’s a thought for you and yours.  I already achieved what you want to do with your career.  My past is all you can associate with the word ‘ideal’.  Your obsession with my past and everyone else’s is sickingly stupid.  You want to remember something?  Remember this interview today – where the half senile old-man next to me only need two minutes to remind you why you’re a minor leaguer and no one knows your name.  Don’t act so hastily. 

Ransom tries to pick up the flux-capacitor from the counter before him, but can’t lift it.

Jeffery Drake:  Think about what you say before you say it.  Build up to your promises and deliver.  You wanted someone new from my family to take up the mantle?  His name is November – and chances are he’ll surprise more people than the rest of us put together.  You don’t like what we have to offer here – than don’t worry about it and go about your own path and ignore.  We weren’t calling you out.  Hell, before two days ago – I didn’t even care to know your name.  And chances are two days from now – I won’t even care to remember it.

Drake picks up the bowl and jumps back up to his seat on the counter.  He continues to stir the pot.  Ransom gets back up centered in the camera.

- Jeff, I don’t think that was necessary – I think it was our intern’s printer that had the problem – there’s no way he’s dumb enough to say something like that.

Ransom throws the pages to the ground and stares down at the counter before him.  Barely anything has moved, except for the work Drake did.

- And sadly we’re out of time for the day.  While our intentions were good – it looks like all we can share with you from the cooking front is that scrambled eggs are remarkably easy to put together, we just don’t see why more of you don’t try it.

He tips his oversized chef’s hat to the camera as the feed ends.